I have learned that those whom I chose to work for were there to teach me. Because of their strict, unprofessional ways, I learned to have superior skills. I have learned that my value and worth as a human being does not come from having a title. I have learned what behavior I will tolerate and which is purely not acceptable to me. I have learned that it is up to me how long I leave my heart open to someone and when it is time to close it.
I have learned that I really am awesome and that every time something ended, does not mean that I failed. I have learned that people will be dishonest with you faster than you can blink, so I treasure the genuine ones. I have learned that even in the darkest times, in the deepest, darkest places, there is always light if you are just open to it. I have learned that being open to it takes time sometimes.
I have learned that fear will not kill me. I have learned that my path continues with me and I continue on it. I can choose to move forward, stay stuck, or step backwards. I can choose. Choosing to pause on my path is not harmful to me, if it is for reflection and better understanding. Staying stuck, stepping backwards in fear and desperation are devastating harmful places to exist. I have learned in those places I truly only exist. I choose to live! I have learned to be thankful for my God without whom I would not be. I have learned that I am still learning at this very moment.
I don’t think I have been breathing since you died. I know air has been flowing in and out of my lungs, but not from my heart and my soul. Not since you died. Not since I got the call. Not since you left me here. I am sitting at my computer, writing to you as if there is some way you will wake up and come back to me. Back to our friendship. Back to my life here without you. I want to go for steak and to Michaels after. I want to call you instead of type this. I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. I WANT TO BREATHE AGAIN. I don’t think I have been breathing since your death. How could someone who was my friend for thirty two years be gone at such a young age? How could God take you back after he saved you? If you told me this was going to happen, things would have been different. No stupid feuds. More time together. More time. Just more. I hear you telling me to stop it. I hear you telling me you are with me. I hear you all of the time. I know I have not been breathing since you died. Not since I got that call. Not since you left me here. Not since a part of me died with you. I know you don’t want that, but I can’t help it. A part of me has died and I will never be the same without you. You were supposed to be helping me decorate this apartment. You were supposed to be celebrating our next chapter of life with me. Our fifties. Our sixties, our seventies, eighties and hell yes nineties! I miss you more than I could ever tell you. I have been existing since that day. Since I got the call. Since you died. I know you want me to live like I am supposed to do here. I don’t know how to without you. I tried to call you today. I wanted you to meet me for lunch. I called your daughter. She probably thought I was nuts. She said she was busy. She probably was. I am nuts. That’s why you loved me. And I still love you so. I am tired of being in this state of oxygen deprivation of my soul. Just don’t know how to get passed it. I need to call you. You know you are my go to person. What do you do when your go to person has gone?
My Life Without You
Leaving You With – Be As Kind To Yourself As You Would A Friend Who Needed You. ♥
Why is it, that if we have a title, some of us think we are entitled? When it comes right down to it, we all put our pants on one leg at a time. (Unless you know something I don’t. If so, please do comment and educate me.) LOL 🙂
I am sure we all experience some kind of heartache. An aching heart from your child choosing to lose touch with you is worse than any pain from any other relationship I have ever experienced. Sons, when you grow, and become men, it does not mean you are less of a man if you stay as close to your Mom as you did when you were young! If the girl you are with insists that is so, get rid of her!!! Fast!! Run! The only thing that should change in this relationship is your age. Yuck!
I ask myself this question over and over, as I contemplate the answers running wildly around in my heart and my head about my friends. People I call my friends. People that are important to me. People I believe to be my friends. Even when they aren’t………..Is this my issue? No, it is their issue. They suck and are not good friends. Umm, sorry, (enters truth), it is MY issue. I give until it hurts. I love until it is overwhelming for some people. I am just that way. This, sadly, does not mean I am treated the same in return. And…why would I be? No one is me? Right? I am not them? Correct? So, as I see a relationship turning down that road, the path of bumps and twists, my emotions become entangled. Ughh. What is the problem? Here we go again. THE PROBLEM IS – THAT I AM GETTING BETTER AT SEEING MY ISSUE FASTER THAN I USED TO. This means, that I have to take responsibility and doooo something. Or, it means that I don’t do something…..anymore. Change sucks and it is so hard!! So, to my wonderful, loving, friends for our true and never-ending friendships, I say “Thank You.” To the people I am wrestling with calling my friends on this day, I say “Please do not mistake my kindness for weakness.”
Leaving You With – Don’t be afraid of experiencing every minute of your life, just because your heart may get hurt in the process. ♥
Thank you all for one of the most wonderful years of my life. Blogging and sharing all of your blogging has affected my life in a tremendous wonderful way! No matter happy or sad, positive or negative, confident or indifferent, always welcoming. I am so happy I was miraculously led to WordPress and all of you! To our future blogs, sharing and bonding….my soul openly awaits.
Leaving You With-Breathe – your story is already written waiting for the screenplay ♥
Be it right or wrong, sometimes I want to squash certain people like bugs! Annoying little insects! And sometimes, not so little, not insects, not even “just” people. Sometimes feelings. Feelings of hurt and disappointment. Ugh! I know better. Yeah, I do. I want to squash them anyway…… I will try again tomorrow to be a better person! But for now……..hmmmmmm……. 🙂
I went from making $50,000 a year to making $0. How did this happen? How will I fix it? How will I live? Eat? Get clothes? Get Meds? Pay bills? Get a hairdo? I applied for Unemployment; they played with me for weeks. Eligible, not eligible. I applied for public assistance and they DENIED me because they believe I AM WORKING!!! If that was not so frustrating and upsetting it would be a freaking riot! There are times when I space out and pray. There are times when I space out and space out more. I am depressed. I feel hopeless. HELPLESS. Oh and wait, there are some health issues too! Confidence is exhausted and so am I. There is a power greater than myself, yes there is. If I did not believe this, I would not be here typing at this moment.
I am one of those people who always have to know why? I asked for understanding. I asked for understanding of how homeless people, (who seemed to be popping up everywhere), get that way. I have a true understanding right now and I do not need any further understanding God! You may stop my lesson. I have been shown some of the ways this happens, up close and personal. Thank God I have family who care. (later) Thank God for this understanding, it is leading me into other veins on my journey. I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE BELOW MY MEANS, BUT WITHIN MY NEEDS. Astounding! I am going to continue living this way no matter how much I have. The more I have, the more I am passing on to those who need it more than I do. Being grateful, being appreciative brings feelings of pure Awesomeness!! Whenever, I gave in the past, I never really understood the level of that person’s gratitude. Now, as I am given to, totally unexpectedly, I can only imagine that depth.